I find that when I get better sleep, I am less frustrated with my angel. Lesson one!
Lesson two.. my parents (her grandparents) are teaching her bad habits by example, and that I will never be able to change them because they like to fight & think it's okay to yell and talk disrespectfully. That's how they raised me. The only way I will be able to raise my daughter to my own standards and values, is to have my own place.
Lesson three.. patience. Always.
& lesson four for myself as a mother.. I need to stop relying on my mom to watch her so often, if I want to truly teach her my own values and belief-system. This is the hardest part!! I need to be a more active and involved parent!
I am forever learning.. accepting.. changing. Being a mother is making me a better woman.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
A reveleation
I'm finally getting down on my daughter's level. I have constantly worried about what I have to do (laundry.. birthday planning, )
But all these things come into question, when I really wonder how important are these material items?
& I question my upbringing, and society. Then, I come to the conclusion that birthdays should be about giving and celebrating life. As a child all those gifts never made me happy at the end of the day, and now as an adult nothing was very memorable. So I'm going to make it a tradition that for my daughter's birthdays we set it around a charity theme and offer the option of a donation to charity instead of a gift.
I've had an off feeling for quite a while and tried to figure out what it was, it's been society all along. It's been judgement, consumerism, things I always thought were normal. I wonder if anyone else feels like this? My angel doesn't need gifts. She doesn't need a million clothes, or to watch t.v in excess.
She needs love, values, kindness and a mother that can show her what holidays and celebration are really about. What a change this will be for me!
With this revelation, I've learned to spend more time teaching and playing with her than doing all these unimportant "other" things.
But all these things come into question, when I really wonder how important are these material items?
& I question my upbringing, and society. Then, I come to the conclusion that birthdays should be about giving and celebrating life. As a child all those gifts never made me happy at the end of the day, and now as an adult nothing was very memorable. So I'm going to make it a tradition that for my daughter's birthdays we set it around a charity theme and offer the option of a donation to charity instead of a gift.
I've had an off feeling for quite a while and tried to figure out what it was, it's been society all along. It's been judgement, consumerism, things I always thought were normal. I wonder if anyone else feels like this? My angel doesn't need gifts. She doesn't need a million clothes, or to watch t.v in excess.
She needs love, values, kindness and a mother that can show her what holidays and celebration are really about. What a change this will be for me!
With this revelation, I've learned to spend more time teaching and playing with her than doing all these unimportant "other" things.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
10 months.
Ten months since the day I gave birth to my daughter.
I don't know where my life has gone, the one I used to have.
Friday and Saturday nights used to make me anxious if I didn't go out, but now most weekends I'm at home bathing with my daughter at 7:30 and having her put to bed at 8.
It's crazy. I can't understand it. It's hard and it's even harder to admit that I'm a single mom. I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed, two things I never would have thought I would have felt. Am I supposed to feel empowered? I thought I would. I'm immensely proud of my daughter, more than anything.
But I'm also a single mother. Once an abused mother, but I couldn't continue to be a good mother in that environment. Am I ashamed because of how I've been treated? Yes. Am I embarrassed because I was called a slut and a whore? Yes. Do I believe that I don't have that mom/dad family relationship for my daughter because I was not good enough? I'm not sure.
Am I glad that I left the situation, and do I believe I'm a good mother? All the fucking way. I have a big fuck you (excuse my language) kept in my heart presently for him. I am a strong woman, but my resilience is down. I feel upset, embarrassed. Disgusted.
But I'm still moving forward.
I don't know where my life has gone, the one I used to have.
Friday and Saturday nights used to make me anxious if I didn't go out, but now most weekends I'm at home bathing with my daughter at 7:30 and having her put to bed at 8.
It's crazy. I can't understand it. It's hard and it's even harder to admit that I'm a single mom. I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed, two things I never would have thought I would have felt. Am I supposed to feel empowered? I thought I would. I'm immensely proud of my daughter, more than anything.
But I'm also a single mother. Once an abused mother, but I couldn't continue to be a good mother in that environment. Am I ashamed because of how I've been treated? Yes. Am I embarrassed because I was called a slut and a whore? Yes. Do I believe that I don't have that mom/dad family relationship for my daughter because I was not good enough? I'm not sure.
Am I glad that I left the situation, and do I believe I'm a good mother? All the fucking way. I have a big fuck you (excuse my language) kept in my heart presently for him. I am a strong woman, but my resilience is down. I feel upset, embarrassed. Disgusted.
But I'm still moving forward.
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