Being confrontational

   Daily life can throw a multitude of situations at you. Imaginary or real, as a woman I feel like my emotions go from one to the next real quick. Or that's how I perceive the day when I sit down and look back on it (do all females do this?) 

   I'm confrontational. Whether it's Sally in line who decided to cut in front of me on the bus or Rolanda from the Deli who is making it a point to sigh loudly during my order -- Yes I will damn sure take shredded cheese on my bun and an extra slow drizzle of mustard. Art. Make my buns art. 

   It baffles me the amount of people that pass through your life, that think they are entitled to comment on your life as if you had personally offended them by getting out of bed and existing.  I am who I was yesterday, and I will be the same me tomorrow.  Unless I decide to be you. Which I wont,  because I like myself.  Most of the time. There's the few occasions when I'm like who is this grumpy woman but I can usually rectify that situation with dark chocolate and a good few hours away from society. Because I've come to realize that the consistent judgment on whether I opened the door fast enough for an elderly woman to how I'm pushing my cart in the toiletries aisle aren't going to pay my bills at the end of the day. From strangers to friends, whether I did something small to get the stink eye or made a decision in my life for myself that offended you - I really couldn't care less anymore. My manners only extend so far and beyond that point I seem to turn into a real lion, and apparently people really don't like it when you aren't them.

The Plan is What?

Everyone loves having kids but no one likes talking about the crappy parts.  I love my daughter.  She's hilarious. When I look at her I also see the future questions about her biological dad. I see hope, dreams, reliance on a single mother. I see a mirror of my temper.  I see an individual who loves to paint, loves rocks, Bubble Guppies. 

And I struggle to stay present with her a lot of the time because I am a single mother. Many times I need to breaatthee and don't have the supports to do so. Rain or shine, sickness or health - Here's mommy. I'm working on these types of things.. I would feel better (and have heard many woman say) a schedule is the Golden Key. Well give me ten because I sure can't figure it out all by myself.  I need meal plans. Need to manage money properly. I need a plan for the week in regards to learning with her and more rules and less free for all.

I can do it though with no complaints.  Forever grateful for this quality time with my daughter that I know many are not blessed with. No.. I haven't returned to work since maternity leave. She is two and six months, knows her alphabet and lots of sign language.  Speaks fluently.  I've been told many times she is intelligent. If I could be a stay at home mother for quite a while I would. Schedules are on their way into our life.. I'm working on it. I was slightly successful with a meal plan last week.. then got a 24 hour flu after eating my own home made Chilli and backed out! How's that for successful.  I'm proud of myself for trying haha.

Refusing to give up. I can do this. 

You lose when you move

Having moved again out of Toronto to a smaller town back in October was hard for me. I keep going back to Toronto and then having to leave. I miss hearing the bus pass by my patio door every ten minutes even at night . I lived in a small bachelor with my daughter since January last year, and was signed to a year lease but my landlord was weird for lack of a better word.

I couldn't have people sleep over unless I informed him a night in advance.. taking the role of my father I guess ? He had three daughters, the oldest one thought I was intimidated I guess when she kept casually throwing talk about law into our conversations. They tried to evict me two months into the lease because I tried to have them fix the issues in the basement apartment. Their excuse was faulty wiring that could be a fire hazard because I kept blowing the fuse by using too many plugs. (To be honest I kept forgetting the microwave blew everything) and when I would call to tell them his wife would pretend she couldn't speak English.  Lucky for me it was still  cold out and I kept a copy of the lease so I told them take me to court or I'll just stay where I am.

Drag me out homie.  They had an ant infestation in my two by two inches bathroom with a stand up shower. I swear the only thing that could fit in there was my infant. So I paid for that even though they wouldn't.  I loved the apartment and I would've stayed if I had better landlords. . I liked the smallness and the fact that I couldn't keep a lot of stuff in there because I act like a packrat in large  spaces. It was a really good price and 300 dollars  cheaper than my last apartment in Toronto.

Miss it

Hubby..

I am a serious person. Not really a joker. Lucky if you get a smile out of me, guess I'm shocked when it happens. What's that? She's smiling? Tell her 15 year old self she can stop wearing all black now.

They say behind every joke there is a truth. That's why I don't make any. When people think I'm being funny, I'm probably being monumentally serious. I don't know where I got thus shitty outlook on life but maybe I was really cranky as a kid and it never wore off.

I'm a miserable old 22 year old woman in two days. Happy birthday to me! I want my future husband now so I can stop looking at the glass half empty. Booboo where are you.. You have spiders to kill and a cranky wife to feed grapes to :D

Diary

A blog is like a diary, but with autocorrect and spellcheck. When I can't find a pen, I type it out. I come across as weird to myself when I read my blog but it helps me improve because I can see how my style changes over time.

So many things happen on a daily basis that I want to write more but I need a laptop. I've been living in my own apartment since January with my daughter. First time living alone, technically 'alone'. Aside from a large rat the size of a housecat and a raccoon, I love it.

But I could live anywhere with sunshine and air. That's just how I am.

Parenting

I find that when I get better sleep, I am less frustrated with my angel. Lesson one!

Lesson two.. my parents (her grandparents) are teaching her bad habits by example, and that I will never be able to change them because they like to fight & think it's okay to yell and talk disrespectfully. That's how they raised me. The only way I will be able to raise my daughter to my own standards and values, is to have my own place.

Lesson three.. patience. Always.

& lesson four for myself as a mother.. I need to stop relying on my mom to watch her so often, if I want to truly teach her my own values and belief-system. This is the hardest part!! I need to be a more active and involved parent!


I am forever learning.. accepting.. changing. Being a mother is making me a better woman.

A reveleation

I'm finally getting down on my daughter's level. I have constantly worried about what I have to do (laundry.. birthday planning, )
But all these things come into question, when I really wonder how important are these material items?

& I question my upbringing, and society. Then, I come to the conclusion that birthdays should be about giving and celebrating life. As a child all those gifts never made me happy at the end of the day, and now as an adult nothing was very memorable. So I'm going to make it a tradition that for my daughter's birthdays we set it around a charity theme and offer the option of a donation to charity instead of a gift.

I've had an off feeling for quite a while and tried to figure out what it was, it's been society all along. It's been judgement, consumerism, things I always thought were normal. I wonder if anyone else feels like this? My angel doesn't need gifts. She doesn't need a million clothes, or to watch t.v in excess.

She needs love, values, kindness and a mother that can show her what holidays and celebration are really about. What a change this will be for me!

With this revelation, I've learned to spend more time teaching and playing with her than doing all these unimportant "other" things.