You lose when you move

Having moved again out of Toronto to a smaller town back in October was hard for me. I keep going back to Toronto and then having to leave. I miss hearing the bus pass by my patio door every ten minutes even at night . I lived in a small bachelor with my daughter since January last year, and was signed to a year lease but my landlord was weird for lack of a better word.

I couldn't have people sleep over unless I informed him a night in advance.. taking the role of my father I guess ? He had three daughters, the oldest one thought I was intimidated I guess when she kept casually throwing talk about law into our conversations. They tried to evict me two months into the lease because I tried to have them fix the issues in the basement apartment. Their excuse was faulty wiring that could be a fire hazard because I kept blowing the fuse by using too many plugs. (To be honest I kept forgetting the microwave blew everything) and when I would call to tell them his wife would pretend she couldn't speak English.  Lucky for me it was still  cold out and I kept a copy of the lease so I told them take me to court or I'll just stay where I am.

Drag me out homie.  They had an ant infestation in my two by two inches bathroom with a stand up shower. I swear the only thing that could fit in there was my infant. So I paid for that even though they wouldn't.  I loved the apartment and I would've stayed if I had better landlords. . I liked the smallness and the fact that I couldn't keep a lot of stuff in there because I act like a packrat in large  spaces. It was a really good price and 300 dollars  cheaper than my last apartment in Toronto.

Miss it

Hubby..

I am a serious person. Not really a joker. Lucky if you get a smile out of me, guess I'm shocked when it happens. What's that? She's smiling? Tell her 15 year old self she can stop wearing all black now.

They say behind every joke there is a truth. That's why I don't make any. When people think I'm being funny, I'm probably being monumentally serious. I don't know where I got thus shitty outlook on life but maybe I was really cranky as a kid and it never wore off.

I'm a miserable old 22 year old woman in two days. Happy birthday to me! I want my future husband now so I can stop looking at the glass half empty. Booboo where are you.. You have spiders to kill and a cranky wife to feed grapes to :D

Diary

A blog is like a diary, but with autocorrect and spellcheck. When I can't find a pen, I type it out. I come across as weird to myself when I read my blog but it helps me improve because I can see how my style changes over time.

So many things happen on a daily basis that I want to write more but I need a laptop. I've been living in my own apartment since January with my daughter. First time living alone, technically 'alone'. Aside from a large rat the size of a housecat and a raccoon, I love it.

But I could live anywhere with sunshine and air. That's just how I am.

Parenting

I find that when I get better sleep, I am less frustrated with my angel. Lesson one!

Lesson two.. my parents (her grandparents) are teaching her bad habits by example, and that I will never be able to change them because they like to fight & think it's okay to yell and talk disrespectfully. That's how they raised me. The only way I will be able to raise my daughter to my own standards and values, is to have my own place.

Lesson three.. patience. Always.

& lesson four for myself as a mother.. I need to stop relying on my mom to watch her so often, if I want to truly teach her my own values and belief-system. This is the hardest part!! I need to be a more active and involved parent!


I am forever learning.. accepting.. changing. Being a mother is making me a better woman.

A reveleation

I'm finally getting down on my daughter's level. I have constantly worried about what I have to do (laundry.. birthday planning, )
But all these things come into question, when I really wonder how important are these material items?

& I question my upbringing, and society. Then, I come to the conclusion that birthdays should be about giving and celebrating life. As a child all those gifts never made me happy at the end of the day, and now as an adult nothing was very memorable. So I'm going to make it a tradition that for my daughter's birthdays we set it around a charity theme and offer the option of a donation to charity instead of a gift.

I've had an off feeling for quite a while and tried to figure out what it was, it's been society all along. It's been judgement, consumerism, things I always thought were normal. I wonder if anyone else feels like this? My angel doesn't need gifts. She doesn't need a million clothes, or to watch t.v in excess.

She needs love, values, kindness and a mother that can show her what holidays and celebration are really about. What a change this will be for me!

With this revelation, I've learned to spend more time teaching and playing with her than doing all these unimportant "other" things.

10 months.

Ten months since the day I gave birth to my daughter.
I don't know where my life has gone, the one I used to have.
Friday and Saturday nights used to make me anxious if I didn't go out, but now most weekends I'm at home bathing with my daughter at 7:30 and having her put to bed at 8.

It's crazy. I can't understand it. It's hard and it's even harder to admit that I'm a single mom. I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed, two things I never would have thought I would have felt. Am I supposed to feel empowered? I thought I would. I'm immensely proud of my daughter, more than anything.

But I'm also a single mother. Once an abused mother, but I couldn't continue to be a good mother in that environment. Am I ashamed because of how I've been treated? Yes. Am I embarrassed because I was called a slut and a whore? Yes. Do I believe that I don't have that mom/dad family relationship for my daughter because I was not good enough? I'm not sure.

Am I glad that I left the situation, and do I believe I'm a good mother? All the fucking way. I have a big fuck you (excuse my language)  kept in my heart presently for him. I am a strong woman, but my resilience is down. I feel upset, embarrassed. Disgusted. 

But I'm still moving forward.

Talents?

I wish I had a talent. Well, I do have a talent , but I wish I had the energy to pursue that talent. Maybe endless energy could be my talent. They would call me Super Woman.

That already exists?

In that case I'll just continue taking iron pills and hope for the best. That's a somewhat extended level of energy. Less than I would have if I weren't taking any (I ran out). They can call me Iron Girl. 

Or maybe I could gain the ability to finish things I start. What about staying on task? Wait, are we taking about tasks now? Is that a talent or a superpower?

I give up.