Change

I bounced.
Relationship, to relationship. 
Always I came back to the question, why can't he just treat me right ? 
Well, "he" turned out to be the same soul copy in a different body, and what i thought i loved just might be a desperation to cling to old cycles that keep me in my comfort zone.

Most of us have been there, make up and break up, accepting apologises unfollowed by actions. It's like my head gets into a woozy daydream when I can finally see him again, and hear that maybe he did realize what he had done to hurt me. So i let it sweep me away in an effort to repair what we "had", only to have it all come crashing down weeks if not days later.

Sorry. He's sorry. Wants to talk, to meet up, have a conversation.
The easy solution would've been the block button.
Nah, my hopes and daydreams, naively, said Pick up!  He called, says he can't stop thinking of me.
My heart pounds.
Is it true ?
Is it REAL? Or a player's game... where i must protect my pieces and pretend that i'm not. Why would he be interested in a game, I tell him yes.
I do miss you. I dont hate you, and yet, i all too quickly gave up the nookie to the man i love that ran from commitment more than once.

Then he slams me with the "Just let me be alone until........" some far off distant goal to allow him single life while still keeping me attached by a string,

and i realize, my heart is invested, deep in these waters like an anchor while his is at shore.

Now I'm angry, pissed off.
He will come back again, but will I answer the knock of pain this time?
No, because it's time for change. For self respect. For self love. For boundaries, and for setting free what was probably never meant for me.

Easter plans!

With Easter coming up, I'm trying to create a lesson plan for N, so that I can teach her about Easter and Spring. Some believe that Easter is a Christian holiday, others believe it is pagan based on the goddess "eostre".
We are no longer Christians (though we used to be ) so I dont feel comfortable giving her just one option for Easters history.

I will be focusing on the spring equinox, also chakras and the way our body and spirit relates to the earth. This is just what suits our family. Knowledge and practical use of essential oils will also be added to the lesson plan.

I've made a plan of crafts and activities that we well celebrate for Easter, based on her age (4) and which ones I liked. Kids of different ages can do these acitivies, and I will be adding more later on to this plan. I aim to let her have fun with the traditional eggs and Easter hunt aside from this.

● We will be printing off these songs and potentially corresponding activities:
http://www.nuttinbutpreschool.com/4-songs-for-easter-traditional-tunes/
●We will also be printing off spring and Easter coloring pages from Google.

 #1 egg density
http://www.educationworld.com/a_lesson/04/lp337-02.shtml
#2
http://www.reachoutmichigan.org/funexperiments/quick/eggmagic.html
{SAME craft, variations}

#3
Egg carton animals.
http://www.freekidscrafts.com/recycled-egg-carton-animals/

#4
12 days of Easter egg project
http://www.freekidscrafts.com/12-day-easter-egg-project/
(To teach her about the Bible although it's not our religion)

#5
Paper plates Easter bunny
http://www.freekidscrafts.com/paper-plate-easter-bunny/

#6
Bunny cupcakes
http://ohhappyday.com/2013/03/bunny-cupcake-toppers-diy/

#7
All seasons hand and fingerprint tree
http://rhythmsofplay.com/diy-all-season-hand-and-fingerprint-tree/

Supplies list: (some may already be household items)
2 glasses
Salt
Spoon
Uncooked eggs (whole)
Egg cartons
Glue, paintbrushes, scissors
White, black, yellow, aqua paint
White pompoms (used in 2 crafts)
12 plastic eggs
Sharpie
Paper plates
Googley eyes
Black, pink, White, yellow construction paper
Tooth picks
Cupcake mix (and supplies for cupcakes)
4 same size blank square canvases
Pencil
Foam paint brush
Mod podge , various paints.

Being a Parent, and also a human.

How easy is it to look at another parent in judgement?
My journey as a parent, since the day my daughter was born, has been the most changing experience in my life.
My eyes opened to a bigger picture, and one vivid color that painted my family life... was judgement.

I breastfed.
I home birthed.
I changed up the vaccinations.

Does that ring "selfish" in someone's mind out there?
My daughter comes first, the welfare of my child is #1 priority in my life. These are things I should only have to explain to myself, to make sure I'm keeping myself aware of her needs.
Yet, for some reason, some people think it's okay to force their parenting views into our life.

I am human, I am aware, I am a mother. I'm well-researched, with more to learn. I am articulate, and with a need to be humble, I can state that I will always have more to learn.

Even without these attributes, all parent's deserve the respect of personal space and boundaries.
The flaws are blinding.

Limitless investigating

"Those who limit their investigations are entirely justified in doing so, for human knowledge could scarcely develop otherwise. Courts would never get their work done if every judge felt called upon to solve wide ranging questions about guilt and responsibility  before he could get down to the business of trying a particular case." - Monroe & Elizabeth Beardsley.

Would differing personal beliefs result in misunderstandings between two individual people, and if so, would you question which personal belief caused a problem in that relationship?
 In my experience growth as a person in large part comes from disagreements and/or misunderstandings in personal relations. Though, many are not able to turn toward themselves and pose the question: Is my belief reasonable or justified?

If one person believes that it is rude and disrespectful for a friend to show up late to dinner, and the other regards this with a different view point, the two may end their friendship.
Their friendship may have ended but both parties could learn from the experience. Person A, may build a tolerance or understanding for friends being late. Person B may realize it was inconsiderate if it is a usual habit.

Self reflection is key when letting go of or maintaining friendships and relationships. Refusing to reflect can stall growth. Asking the hard questions may lead to open doors and realizations. But, what position will you be in if in ten years from now, you dropped everyone who did not abide by and follow all your rules and beliefs? In my opinion, being inconsiderate is thinking only of yourself and refusing to unlearn bad habits, or considering another viewpoint.

Or, you may very well not  be in the state of growth where you're able to consider all view points and that's perfectly okay. Inch by inch you can learn, keeping your mind as open as possible. Values are good, consideration for other's values is a beautiful thing. It's a delicate balance, and always personal opinion.

Being confrontational

   Daily life can throw a multitude of situations at you. Imaginary or real, as a woman I feel like my emotions go from one to the next real quick. Or that's how I perceive the day when I sit down and look back on it (do all females do this?) 

   I'm confrontational. Whether it's Sally in line who decided to cut in front of me on the bus or Rolanda from the Deli who is making it a point to sigh loudly during my order -- Yes I will damn sure take shredded cheese on my bun and an extra slow drizzle of mustard. Art. Make my buns art. 

   It baffles me the amount of people that pass through your life, that think they are entitled to comment on your life as if you had personally offended them by getting out of bed and existing.  I am who I was yesterday, and I will be the same me tomorrow.  Unless I decide to be you. Which I wont,  because I like myself.  Most of the time. There's the few occasions when I'm like who is this grumpy woman but I can usually rectify that situation with dark chocolate and a good few hours away from society. Because I've come to realize that the consistent judgment on whether I opened the door fast enough for an elderly woman to how I'm pushing my cart in the toiletries aisle aren't going to pay my bills at the end of the day. From strangers to friends, whether I did something small to get the stink eye or made a decision in my life for myself that offended you - I really couldn't care less anymore. My manners only extend so far and beyond that point I seem to turn into a real lion, and apparently people really don't like it when you aren't them.

The Plan is What?

Everyone loves having kids but no one likes talking about the crappy parts.  I love my daughter.  She's hilarious. When I look at her I also see the future questions about her biological dad. I see hope, dreams, reliance on a single mother. I see a mirror of my temper.  I see an individual who loves to paint, loves rocks, Bubble Guppies. 

And I struggle to stay present with her a lot of the time because I am a single mother. Many times I need to breaatthee and don't have the supports to do so. Rain or shine, sickness or health - Here's mommy. I'm working on these types of things.. I would feel better (and have heard many woman say) a schedule is the Golden Key. Well give me ten because I sure can't figure it out all by myself.  I need meal plans. Need to manage money properly. I need a plan for the week in regards to learning with her and more rules and less free for all.

I can do it though with no complaints.  Forever grateful for this quality time with my daughter that I know many are not blessed with. No.. I haven't returned to work since maternity leave. She is two and six months, knows her alphabet and lots of sign language.  Speaks fluently.  I've been told many times she is intelligent. If I could be a stay at home mother for quite a while I would. Schedules are on their way into our life.. I'm working on it. I was slightly successful with a meal plan last week.. then got a 24 hour flu after eating my own home made Chilli and backed out! How's that for successful.  I'm proud of myself for trying haha.

Refusing to give up. I can do this. 

You lose when you move

Having moved again out of Toronto to a smaller town back in October was hard for me. I keep going back to Toronto and then having to leave. I miss hearing the bus pass by my patio door every ten minutes even at night . I lived in a small bachelor with my daughter since January last year, and was signed to a year lease but my landlord was weird for lack of a better word.

I couldn't have people sleep over unless I informed him a night in advance.. taking the role of my father I guess ? He had three daughters, the oldest one thought I was intimidated I guess when she kept casually throwing talk about law into our conversations. They tried to evict me two months into the lease because I tried to have them fix the issues in the basement apartment. Their excuse was faulty wiring that could be a fire hazard because I kept blowing the fuse by using too many plugs. (To be honest I kept forgetting the microwave blew everything) and when I would call to tell them his wife would pretend she couldn't speak English.  Lucky for me it was still  cold out and I kept a copy of the lease so I told them take me to court or I'll just stay where I am.

Drag me out homie.  They had an ant infestation in my two by two inches bathroom with a stand up shower. I swear the only thing that could fit in there was my infant. So I paid for that even though they wouldn't.  I loved the apartment and I would've stayed if I had better landlords. . I liked the smallness and the fact that I couldn't keep a lot of stuff in there because I act like a packrat in large  spaces. It was a really good price and 300 dollars  cheaper than my last apartment in Toronto.

Miss it

Hubby..

I am a serious person. Not really a joker. Lucky if you get a smile out of me, guess I'm shocked when it happens. What's that? She's smiling? Tell her 15 year old self she can stop wearing all black now.

They say behind every joke there is a truth. That's why I don't make any. When people think I'm being funny, I'm probably being monumentally serious. I don't know where I got thus shitty outlook on life but maybe I was really cranky as a kid and it never wore off.

I'm a miserable old 22 year old woman in two days. Happy birthday to me! I want my future husband now so I can stop looking at the glass half empty. Booboo where are you.. You have spiders to kill and a cranky wife to feed grapes to :D

Diary

A blog is like a diary, but with autocorrect and spellcheck. When I can't find a pen, I type it out. I come across as weird to myself when I read my blog but it helps me improve because I can see how my style changes over time.

So many things happen on a daily basis that I want to write more but I need a laptop. I've been living in my own apartment since January with my daughter. First time living alone, technically 'alone'. Aside from a large rat the size of a housecat and a raccoon, I love it.

But I could live anywhere with sunshine and air. That's just how I am.

Parenting

I find that when I get better sleep, I am less frustrated with my angel. Lesson one!

Lesson two.. my parents (her grandparents) are teaching her bad habits by example, and that I will never be able to change them because they like to fight & think it's okay to yell and talk disrespectfully. That's how they raised me. The only way I will be able to raise my daughter to my own standards and values, is to have my own place.

Lesson three.. patience. Always.

& lesson four for myself as a mother.. I need to stop relying on my mom to watch her so often, if I want to truly teach her my own values and belief-system. This is the hardest part!! I need to be a more active and involved parent!


I am forever learning.. accepting.. changing. Being a mother is making me a better woman.

A reveleation

I'm finally getting down on my daughter's level. I have constantly worried about what I have to do (laundry.. birthday planning, )
But all these things come into question, when I really wonder how important are these material items?

& I question my upbringing, and society. Then, I come to the conclusion that birthdays should be about giving and celebrating life. As a child all those gifts never made me happy at the end of the day, and now as an adult nothing was very memorable. So I'm going to make it a tradition that for my daughter's birthdays we set it around a charity theme and offer the option of a donation to charity instead of a gift.

I've had an off feeling for quite a while and tried to figure out what it was, it's been society all along. It's been judgement, consumerism, things I always thought were normal. I wonder if anyone else feels like this? My angel doesn't need gifts. She doesn't need a million clothes, or to watch t.v in excess.

She needs love, values, kindness and a mother that can show her what holidays and celebration are really about. What a change this will be for me!

With this revelation, I've learned to spend more time teaching and playing with her than doing all these unimportant "other" things.

10 months.

Ten months since the day I gave birth to my daughter.
I don't know where my life has gone, the one I used to have.
Friday and Saturday nights used to make me anxious if I didn't go out, but now most weekends I'm at home bathing with my daughter at 7:30 and having her put to bed at 8.

It's crazy. I can't understand it. It's hard and it's even harder to admit that I'm a single mom. I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed, two things I never would have thought I would have felt. Am I supposed to feel empowered? I thought I would. I'm immensely proud of my daughter, more than anything.

But I'm also a single mother. Once an abused mother, but I couldn't continue to be a good mother in that environment. Am I ashamed because of how I've been treated? Yes. Am I embarrassed because I was called a slut and a whore? Yes. Do I believe that I don't have that mom/dad family relationship for my daughter because I was not good enough? I'm not sure.

Am I glad that I left the situation, and do I believe I'm a good mother? All the fucking way. I have a big fuck you (excuse my language)  kept in my heart presently for him. I am a strong woman, but my resilience is down. I feel upset, embarrassed. Disgusted. 

But I'm still moving forward.

Talents?

I wish I had a talent. Well, I do have a talent , but I wish I had the energy to pursue that talent. Maybe endless energy could be my talent. They would call me Super Woman.

That already exists?

In that case I'll just continue taking iron pills and hope for the best. That's a somewhat extended level of energy. Less than I would have if I weren't taking any (I ran out). They can call me Iron Girl. 

Or maybe I could gain the ability to finish things I start. What about staying on task? Wait, are we taking about tasks now? Is that a talent or a superpower?

I give up.

What to try wednesday !

Just some random, cute tutorials & lists I'd like to try or share. =)

Sugar stenciled cookies
Bill tracker
List of lists !
Chalkpaint Labels
Ice box cake
DIY Drumsticks
Sundae buffet!

Stickmen

draw

A Haul

RocaWear purse , $45.. usually 85

I went to the dollar store & picked up a couple small things. Epsom salts, Sally Hanson curlers (that I haven't tried yet), a razor case, a really pretty bracelet and control tights which I haven't used yet. And obviously thats my Venus razor which I love :)

New shampoo I've been using ! I have straight hair, and its Totally Twisted.. it doesn't make my hair completely curly but gives it a lot of volume. The shampoo is slightly expensive but I think it's worth it.

H&M leather purse for $10 on sale.. Usually 40

Some christmas stuff! Just cookie gift boxes, cute little stars, name confetti and a red gift bag. 

And and H&M leather jacket. I found a better picture of it so I added it too. $60 

H M jacket (see more h m jackets)