Change

I bounced.
Relationship, to relationship. 
Always I came back to the question, why can't he just treat me right ? 
Well, "he" turned out to be the same soul copy in a different body, and what i thought i loved just might be a desperation to cling to old cycles that keep me in my comfort zone.

Most of us have been there, make up and break up, accepting apologises unfollowed by actions. It's like my head gets into a woozy daydream when I can finally see him again, and hear that maybe he did realize what he had done to hurt me. So i let it sweep me away in an effort to repair what we "had", only to have it all come crashing down weeks if not days later.

Sorry. He's sorry. Wants to talk, to meet up, have a conversation.
The easy solution would've been the block button.
Nah, my hopes and daydreams, naively, said Pick up!  He called, says he can't stop thinking of me.
My heart pounds.
Is it true ?
Is it REAL? Or a player's game... where i must protect my pieces and pretend that i'm not. Why would he be interested in a game, I tell him yes.
I do miss you. I dont hate you, and yet, i all too quickly gave up the nookie to the man i love that ran from commitment more than once.

Then he slams me with the "Just let me be alone until........" some far off distant goal to allow him single life while still keeping me attached by a string,

and i realize, my heart is invested, deep in these waters like an anchor while his is at shore.

Now I'm angry, pissed off.
He will come back again, but will I answer the knock of pain this time?
No, because it's time for change. For self respect. For self love. For boundaries, and for setting free what was probably never meant for me.

Easter plans!

With Easter coming up, I'm trying to create a lesson plan for N, so that I can teach her about Easter and Spring. Some believe that Easter is a Christian holiday, others believe it is pagan based on the goddess "eostre".
We are no longer Christians (though we used to be ) so I dont feel comfortable giving her just one option for Easters history.

I will be focusing on the spring equinox, also chakras and the way our body and spirit relates to the earth. This is just what suits our family. Knowledge and practical use of essential oils will also be added to the lesson plan.

I've made a plan of crafts and activities that we well celebrate for Easter, based on her age (4) and which ones I liked. Kids of different ages can do these acitivies, and I will be adding more later on to this plan. I aim to let her have fun with the traditional eggs and Easter hunt aside from this.

● We will be printing off these songs and potentially corresponding activities:
http://www.nuttinbutpreschool.com/4-songs-for-easter-traditional-tunes/
●We will also be printing off spring and Easter coloring pages from Google.

 #1 egg density
http://www.educationworld.com/a_lesson/04/lp337-02.shtml
#2
http://www.reachoutmichigan.org/funexperiments/quick/eggmagic.html
{SAME craft, variations}

#3
Egg carton animals.
http://www.freekidscrafts.com/recycled-egg-carton-animals/

#4
12 days of Easter egg project
http://www.freekidscrafts.com/12-day-easter-egg-project/
(To teach her about the Bible although it's not our religion)

#5
Paper plates Easter bunny
http://www.freekidscrafts.com/paper-plate-easter-bunny/

#6
Bunny cupcakes
http://ohhappyday.com/2013/03/bunny-cupcake-toppers-diy/

#7
All seasons hand and fingerprint tree
http://rhythmsofplay.com/diy-all-season-hand-and-fingerprint-tree/

Supplies list: (some may already be household items)
2 glasses
Salt
Spoon
Uncooked eggs (whole)
Egg cartons
Glue, paintbrushes, scissors
White, black, yellow, aqua paint
White pompoms (used in 2 crafts)
12 plastic eggs
Sharpie
Paper plates
Googley eyes
Black, pink, White, yellow construction paper
Tooth picks
Cupcake mix (and supplies for cupcakes)
4 same size blank square canvases
Pencil
Foam paint brush
Mod podge , various paints.

Being a Parent, and also a human.

How easy is it to look at another parent in judgement?
My journey as a parent, since the day my daughter was born, has been the most changing experience in my life.
My eyes opened to a bigger picture, and one vivid color that painted my family life... was judgement.

I breastfed.
I home birthed.
I changed up the vaccinations.

Does that ring "selfish" in someone's mind out there?
My daughter comes first, the welfare of my child is #1 priority in my life. These are things I should only have to explain to myself, to make sure I'm keeping myself aware of her needs.
Yet, for some reason, some people think it's okay to force their parenting views into our life.

I am human, I am aware, I am a mother. I'm well-researched, with more to learn. I am articulate, and with a need to be humble, I can state that I will always have more to learn.

Even without these attributes, all parent's deserve the respect of personal space and boundaries.
The flaws are blinding.

Limitless investigating

"Those who limit their investigations are entirely justified in doing so, for human knowledge could scarcely develop otherwise. Courts would never get their work done if every judge felt called upon to solve wide ranging questions about guilt and responsibility  before he could get down to the business of trying a particular case." - Monroe & Elizabeth Beardsley.

Would differing personal beliefs result in misunderstandings between two individual people, and if so, would you question which personal belief caused a problem in that relationship?
 In my experience growth as a person in large part comes from disagreements and/or misunderstandings in personal relations. Though, many are not able to turn toward themselves and pose the question: Is my belief reasonable or justified?

If one person believes that it is rude and disrespectful for a friend to show up late to dinner, and the other regards this with a different view point, the two may end their friendship.
Their friendship may have ended but both parties could learn from the experience. Person A, may build a tolerance or understanding for friends being late. Person B may realize it was inconsiderate if it is a usual habit.

Self reflection is key when letting go of or maintaining friendships and relationships. Refusing to reflect can stall growth. Asking the hard questions may lead to open doors and realizations. But, what position will you be in if in ten years from now, you dropped everyone who did not abide by and follow all your rules and beliefs? In my opinion, being inconsiderate is thinking only of yourself and refusing to unlearn bad habits, or considering another viewpoint.

Or, you may very well not  be in the state of growth where you're able to consider all view points and that's perfectly okay. Inch by inch you can learn, keeping your mind as open as possible. Values are good, consideration for other's values is a beautiful thing. It's a delicate balance, and always personal opinion.

Being confrontational

   Daily life can throw a multitude of situations at you. Imaginary or real, as a woman I feel like my emotions go from one to the next real quick. Or that's how I perceive the day when I sit down and look back on it (do all females do this?) 

   I'm confrontational. Whether it's Sally in line who decided to cut in front of me on the bus or Rolanda from the Deli who is making it a point to sigh loudly during my order -- Yes I will damn sure take shredded cheese on my bun and an extra slow drizzle of mustard. Art. Make my buns art. 

   It baffles me the amount of people that pass through your life, that think they are entitled to comment on your life as if you had personally offended them by getting out of bed and existing.  I am who I was yesterday, and I will be the same me tomorrow.  Unless I decide to be you. Which I wont,  because I like myself.  Most of the time. There's the few occasions when I'm like who is this grumpy woman but I can usually rectify that situation with dark chocolate and a good few hours away from society. Because I've come to realize that the consistent judgment on whether I opened the door fast enough for an elderly woman to how I'm pushing my cart in the toiletries aisle aren't going to pay my bills at the end of the day. From strangers to friends, whether I did something small to get the stink eye or made a decision in my life for myself that offended you - I really couldn't care less anymore. My manners only extend so far and beyond that point I seem to turn into a real lion, and apparently people really don't like it when you aren't them.

The Plan is What?

Everyone loves having kids but no one likes talking about the crappy parts.  I love my daughter.  She's hilarious. When I look at her I also see the future questions about her biological dad. I see hope, dreams, reliance on a single mother. I see a mirror of my temper.  I see an individual who loves to paint, loves rocks, Bubble Guppies. 

And I struggle to stay present with her a lot of the time because I am a single mother. Many times I need to breaatthee and don't have the supports to do so. Rain or shine, sickness or health - Here's mommy. I'm working on these types of things.. I would feel better (and have heard many woman say) a schedule is the Golden Key. Well give me ten because I sure can't figure it out all by myself.  I need meal plans. Need to manage money properly. I need a plan for the week in regards to learning with her and more rules and less free for all.

I can do it though with no complaints.  Forever grateful for this quality time with my daughter that I know many are not blessed with. No.. I haven't returned to work since maternity leave. She is two and six months, knows her alphabet and lots of sign language.  Speaks fluently.  I've been told many times she is intelligent. If I could be a stay at home mother for quite a while I would. Schedules are on their way into our life.. I'm working on it. I was slightly successful with a meal plan last week.. then got a 24 hour flu after eating my own home made Chilli and backed out! How's that for successful.  I'm proud of myself for trying haha.

Refusing to give up. I can do this. 

You lose when you move

Having moved again out of Toronto to a smaller town back in October was hard for me. I keep going back to Toronto and then having to leave. I miss hearing the bus pass by my patio door every ten minutes even at night . I lived in a small bachelor with my daughter since January last year, and was signed to a year lease but my landlord was weird for lack of a better word.

I couldn't have people sleep over unless I informed him a night in advance.. taking the role of my father I guess ? He had three daughters, the oldest one thought I was intimidated I guess when she kept casually throwing talk about law into our conversations. They tried to evict me two months into the lease because I tried to have them fix the issues in the basement apartment. Their excuse was faulty wiring that could be a fire hazard because I kept blowing the fuse by using too many plugs. (To be honest I kept forgetting the microwave blew everything) and when I would call to tell them his wife would pretend she couldn't speak English.  Lucky for me it was still  cold out and I kept a copy of the lease so I told them take me to court or I'll just stay where I am.

Drag me out homie.  They had an ant infestation in my two by two inches bathroom with a stand up shower. I swear the only thing that could fit in there was my infant. So I paid for that even though they wouldn't.  I loved the apartment and I would've stayed if I had better landlords. . I liked the smallness and the fact that I couldn't keep a lot of stuff in there because I act like a packrat in large  spaces. It was a really good price and 300 dollars  cheaper than my last apartment in Toronto.

Miss it